Mute. An ENT Clinical Clerk's required reflection.

Ever since I could remember, I wanted to write for a living. I eat and breathe literature. But then, things turned differently when I passed the most prestigious high school (so they say), the Philippine Science High School, Main Campus. My parents did not force me (in fairness to my dad and my mom, they respected my decision just in any case), the circumstances forced me. Life was not always a silver spoon for my family. We had our ups and downs. That moment when I saw my mother cry because her head was spinning where to get the means to provide for her children was my turning point. I gave up my dream and signed that f* up contract to have a science course 4 years from that day, May of 2001. Having finished it on October 2009, after graduating from UP Diliman B.S. Biology made me feel accomplished; however another opportunity was knocking on the door--medical school.

Life was not easy. No one has it smoothly. When life throws you a ball, you throw it back. Why? Because you just got to. Nothing else to say. No more excuses. No words left. You just have to.

Easy as that. I gave up writing. I also lost the eloquence of my words through the years. Writer's drought as they call it. But bit by bit, I found my words by coming to terms with myself and I was able to live out with the decisions I've made.

Perseverance in the Face of Adversity

I'm feeling kinda down these days. Maybe it's the hormonal imbalance and the lack of appropriate sleep, but anyhuu... it's making me edgy. In addition to this, I came across some of my batchmates today who are already graduating. My heart was filled with awe and joy for them, but there were some who weren't really happy to see me.

Well... no one is perfect and maybe I did some crazy nasty things back then, but it just pains me that people can be very judgmental and that they base your very being on one or two situations or incidents.

I was happy to also see that some of them have forgotten our differences and moved on. Blessed are those kinds of people and I pray for their success each day.

I'm kinda sad and upset that I now know who my real friends are and those who were just in with me for the ride. You really can't know who to trust until you fall flat on the ground. Alas, thanks to God... I am warned. :)

All I know is that even if people are silently talking about me behind my back (or am I just paranoid? lol) and judging me harshly, here I am proudly and steadily persevering to become a doctor.

There is a deep and personal reason for my previous failures which is causing delay to my M.D. graduation. I do not have to keep explaining to people on why. I don't owe anyone any explanation.

Trust me. You will see me rise again... in God's time. For now, God has humbled me to the lowly plains to replenish me when the time is ripe.

"Defeat is precisely what the enemy wants: Adverse circumstances arise, we flee in fear or defeat, and the enemy triumphs (interesting that he is called our "adversary" in 1 Peter 5:8). The last thing he wants is for God to be glorified through the trials in our lives." - Taken from: The Identity Project

TIME OUT!

GUILTY. I told myself to get rid of any distractions for the upcoming finals in 2 weeks, but here I am blogging. DISCIPLINE!

I guess I can't help it because I am so fueled with passion and inspiration which I haven't felt in the longest time.

At present, I am reading "The Outliers" by Malcolm Gladwell, and THUMBS UP. Everything I every questioned about in my life is there. 

I will blog in detail soon. But one quick food for thought that I want to share in that book: "There is no direct correlation between intellect and achievement." You need a little bit more to excel. The ingredients for success is summed up in: passion, hardwork, talent, grabbing opportunities and entitlement.

Still in the first chapters but WOW... it gave me that extra boost to work harder in my studies :)

One quick advice for incoming medical students, don't let the day pass by without reminding yourself why you have chosen the path to become a doctor. Read inspirational books and fuel yourself with passion. Intellect, high IQ and high grades wouldn't matter that much in med school (I mean hello, will your patients ask you if you had high grades in med school?). Personal skills, compassion and personality goes a long long way, not just in med school but beyond this field we all dream of.

CHOW. :) Need to do my orthopedic paper :)

Someday.

Someday. I can't contain this passion inside of me. I have been reading the book by Robert Greene entitled, "Mastery," and wow... all I can say is wow. It is such a wonder on how one book can give me so much profound knowledge and understanding.

My mind is racing with thoughts and dreams of the future. I am filled with tears with the knowledge that my passion has come back to me. Ever since my brother died 3 years ago, I felt different. As if my world changed and that everything in my life had no meaning... pointless.

Bereavement at it's finest, you may say. Many would have suggested that I should have took another year off from medical school to relieve oneself from the trauma and depression but the agony of not doing anything and the thought of not distracting myself from my grief was unbearable. So, I entered medical school even if I was in deep bereavement, which I have hidden so well with a poker face for years.

School was a routine, just to get by and I lost my vision, mission and my passion for my work. I lost sight of my goal and you may say... yes, I was indeed lost. Many asked me how I persevered, in an atmosphere where the competition is tough, where you do not know who your real friends are and where you must be cautious to trust who.... I guess, what gave me the strength was that I knew in my heart that becoming a doctor is my life's task, my calling, my vocation, my greatest achievement in my life, and my life's sole purpose.

Something to Remember Me By.

"You and I have both struggled and stumbled and in truth not always given our best but even then it was our effort... Know that you EARNED the right to be here..."

DAMN RIGHT.

Surpassing the Disappointment and Setbacks.

I've been too hung up on the fact that I filed a LEAVE OF ABSENCE (LOA) last semester during my Third Year as a Medical Student in the University of the East Ramon Magsaysay Memorial Medical Center Inc (UERMMCI) that I have been numbed to my feelings and at the same time been avoiding the subject matter per se.

But recent events had urged me to write about the feelings of what it is like to file an LOA since a freshman student from UP Manila committed suicide because of her forced LOA in response to her inability to pay her tuition fee.

As I try to find more objective evidences about this girl, Kristel Tejada from various news sources, one thing boils down... it is the disappointment of not graduating on time and regrets that stem from your goals in life for your love ones. I can relate because here I am, excited to be an intern at last next year but due to unexpected setbacks, I just have to learn how to cope on dealing with the fact that it's going to be delayed another year once more.

The Line of Uncertainty and The Point of No Return.

I've been away for a very long time and for my readers, I apologize for that. It's just that I have been having a very emotional and rough path these days, these weeks, these months and these years.

What am I saying?

I am saying that I am undergoing a transformation which entails a lot of thinking, medication and internal peace. I am at the stage of my life right now where I am at the line of uncertainty but I have already crossed the point of no return.

I don't know if anyone has experienced what I am saying so let me further elaborate it.

When in Doubt, Remember these things.

You'll need these motivational quotes in medical school.

It serves as a remembrance that positive thinking goes a long, long way.

It differs from various students however.

I, on the other hand benefit so much from reading these.

It makes me want to persevere more.

THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

*sigh*

"If only I sought the easy way out."

Don't Quit Medical School

Last week, I had all the intention to quit medical school.

Personal reasons, I hope you don't mind that I keep this to myself.

But then, I realized that I'm half way there.

It's really just a long, long, long journey and I am getting impatient.

Keys to ponder on before entering medical school.

Get ready for a roller coaster ride of emotional turmoil.

You will encounter a lot of frustration, a lot of competition, a lot of disappointments, a lot of emotional attachment with the patients (and how to cope not to get affected when they die), a lot of readings, etc...

And that's just the beginning.

So if I were you, please.

DON'T ENTER MED SCHOOL.

I have no more choice since I have already invested so much in this field. That's just me.

But for you aspiring med students, think twice, think thrice--THINK.

And If you do DECIDE on BECOMING A DOCTOR, PREPARE YOURSELF.

You got to be emotionally strong.

It's not JUST GRADES HERE YOU KNOW.

IT'S BALANCING YOUR IQ AND EQ.

BOTH WILL BE TESTED.

TRUST ME.

Take it as a Challenge.

I am ready to spread my wings and fly. 

Even if I have no sleep and no rest, it won't make me stop achieving the things that I want to accomplish in my life.

I don't know how. I am afraid. Everything is telling me that it's impossible (logically) but then again, my faith in God prevails. I know in the end, He will make all things possible if I just truly believe.

Don't let me go... I humbly pray. I am doing my best, I attest life as my bear witness.

But in the advent that it does, I will bear the pain--that awful pain of rejection and dismay.

Try as I must, but I can only do so much... I firmly pray that at least one sees that I at least did my best.

But even if no one else sees it, I will be standing still to be the only one to be proud of myself.

You don't know what I am going through so you don't have the right to comment on my very life.

You don't know what I have to endure just to withstand the pressure in this career I chose....

So close your mouth. Hush, the words come out are painful.

But in the end, I do not care since for me all your words are futile.

Trust in God, Angelica. He will be the one to get you through this unbearable test of strength in the field we chose, the field of medicine.

In the end, it would be worth-it. Just bear it mind, one day you too will be M.D.

Take everything as a challenge. Lift everything to God.

and....

LET GO.

Now, let's jump off the cliff and spread our wings up high as our Father in Heaven will bring us up high.

Tired like Hell.

Tired like Hell. My back keeps hurting and the spot where they say I have adenomyoma is hurting badly, but can't really dwell on it because I gotta keep going.

Third year of medical school is tough. So many things needed to do keeps piling up. 

I hate this f* routine. I keep doing my paper in the morning. I hate procrastination.
But I can't help it because I am dead asleep when I go home.

I can't even eat lunch decently.

The nerve of some people to assume things.
The nerve of them to demand so much from me and accuse you of not giving ample time for them.

So pissed.

Dead tired. Now off to Pediatrics paper. I will deal with you when I have the luxury of time.

Find Ways to Motivate Yourself

My room is filled with little notes so that when I get depressed or burn-out with medical school, I am reminded on why I even did this in the first place.

Luckily, I have prepared my mind and soul for what awaits for me in this field. 

I guess, my one year break before med school was worth-it after all.

It taught me how to manage myself and how to stay focus despite the tough academic load. Maybe this is the reason why despite I have so much things to do for tomorrow, I find time to do what I want to do such as writing, hence the existence of this blog site.

I have pictures of people who matter the most to me so that when sh*! happens, I am reminded that they would be there for me. No matter if I would be at the lowest point of my life or at the highest, I know that they would back me up without judgment, without being too critical and without a single word that would hurt.

Thank you.

You don't know how your mere existence propels me to withstand this unbearable test of strength.

We will be doctors one day, and you wouldn't want your primary care physicians to be the first one to panic when things get rough. Maybe that's why they make things harder for us in order to be that source of strength.

I guess.

....

Like what my board says...

                                                                                                                                                 

"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."

                                                                                                                                                 

And so.... you are mine. Thank you. :)

Alcohol = Stimulator

At some point in your life as a medical student, you will feel this incessant burn-out syndrome.
But don't fret, when that happens.... just do what I do.

Alcohol = Stimulator.

But only until one bottle or so, because instead of stimulating you to study, it will cause you to dooze off.

HAHAHA.

That happened to me once.

You have to accept at some point of your life that studying is an inevitable part of your career.
That's why you should make studying fun.

Cheers. Study with alcohol. hahaha.

There can be Life aside from Medicine... seriously.

Just finished my tasks for today. Not really medical related but more of on a personal note. I was able to run down to my bank, BDO in Quezon Avenue to close my account in order to transfer it to BPI. On my way home, I was able to inquire about opening a bank account in Metrobank, Q. Ave branch.

The heat of the sun was at it's finest and as usual I had to f* walk.

Like driving a car will happen within my reach at this life time of mine. Seriously, let us all move on.

HAHA. But that's a sensitive issue I don't want to tackle.

Also, I found out that Fete de la Musique 2012 is tomorrow!

OMG. I am so excited.

I am trying to learn how to mix club songs. I am not trying to walk into the shadows of my late beloved brother, DJ LAMOK (the guy they always dedicate the rap battles in fliptop. haha. I have a famous brother, isn't that cool?). Lamok's music was more of.... actually I duno what it was. But mine is more of clubbing and dancing.

So I am looking forward for the hip hop and electronika stage tomorrow :)

When Death has No Bearing... Anymore.

Earlier on today, our group had to interview a patient in the medicine ward of UERM hospital, charity section. It was not my turn to take the history and physical examination so I just had to observe my other group mates. It was boring, sitting just there... watching.

So what happened was while I had to practically be there to support my group mates, the patient just beside our assigned patient was very friendly so in my usual talkative state, I kept her company.

We had a good conversation until we came across sensitive topics about death, doctors who only cares about money and how the poor would rather not consult a doctor due to their financial status.

I was numbed. I didn't know what to say to convince her of not giving up hope and to reconsider her belief that all doctors are after financial gain.

As we were having a wonderful conversation, I felt this pain in my heart that I want to help her more. I was so overwhelmed with her story on how all her life savings were washed away because of her sickness. She elaborated that she used to be a pay patient in our private hospital but because of her kidney problem (She needs to have a kidney dialysis every 8 hours, everyday for the rest of her life), she was robbed of everything. In her own words, "Naubos ang lahat ng kabuhayan ko."

My heart crushed. My eyes were tearing and that's when I realized I needed to wrap-up the conversation because if I did not, I will be swayed. And knowing myself when I get swayed, I might help this patient financially leaving me broke. LOL.

So as I was trying to bid farewell, I was crushed once more when she said that she thinks she wouldn't last another year with her condition.

Oh boy. Oh no.

I tried to comfort her, but all my words were futile.

So, the best thing I could do was to leave... immediately as I felt that tears were starting to fall.

Medical Students = Profit for Tea/Coffee Shops

At some point in your medical life, you will get tired of studying inside your room. Thus, the existence of coffee shops and tea shops have been such a big relief for medical students.

I usually study in Banawe since that is the nearest commercial lot within my home.

I found this cool tea shop, Zen Tea. For only P50.00, I have fast wi-fi connection, outlet (unlimited) and really great flavored green tea. I used to study in Starbucks cafe, but my financial status can't afford the P150.00 worth of coffee. It closes until 12 a.m. so no need to feel "bitin" with your readings. You can also bring food. HAHAHA. Oh well, kapal muks kasi ako.

One accepted fact during your entire course of study in medicine proper is that you won't be able to save money for yourself. I am still struggling with that hard truth.

I am 25 years old at present but still I feel dependent on my parents and I hate it.

I hope one day, this f* hardship will pay off.

This is the inconvenient truth. Something to ponder on before entering medical school.

So Far. So Good.

It's 2:39 AM. I'm in Calbayog city, Samar and for some weird reasons I have this urge to write. It's been so long since I had this feeling when my thoughts are racing and that I just need a pen or a laptop in order to organize them and to have internal peace of having heard or written down the things I hide inside.

The last time I felt this was two years ago when I have conceived this blog site out of boredom because for unfortunate turns of events, I was not able to go to medical school right away.

I used this blog site in order to clear out my thoughts in a big decision on where to go and to apply. I researched on almost all the forum that I could find available on the internet and interviewed my former classmates who were already on their first year in medical school. I was that passionate in finding the right place for me to be in but sadly in the end, I was not even able to pick the medical school of my choice.

Medicine Blues

I'm ready to write once again.

Hello to everyone who is reading my blog site! :) It's been a very long time since I last updated this blog site. I've been busy with medical school and at the same time, I have been in what they call as a WRITER'S DROUGHT (You may read more about it in this website: http://www.ehow.com/how_2284069_handle-writing-drought.html).

I don't know exactly why but maybe it's because of the recent events in my life such as: 1.) Dealing with the loss of my big brother who died in a tragic accident last year;  2.) Academic load and pressure in Medical school; and 3.) Just running out of words to say.

But I'm writing this because I want to express my regret in not writing again. My first year in medical school wiped me out of my artistic side. I had a hard time in adjusting and to be frank, I'm not yet that well adapted to the load of medical school at present. I have a neurology exam tomorrow for crying out loud and I'm wasting my time in updating this blog; but then again.... I realized what I have been doing wrong for the past year. It's giving up a part of me all out of fear of not making it through.