Stop Explaining

"Girls are derided, at an early age, for displaying confidence and swagger. As a result, many of us overexplain ourselves — to justify, to contextualize, to apologize for seeming any way other than how we're meant to seem.

We forget how to stop and let our words hang in the air, without apology. We forget that we're not always responsible for other people's comfort, and that refusing to take responsibility for other people's comfort is actually a kind of power.

Sometimes we have to remind ourselves that we have a right to make statements and requests that don't end in question marks.

It turns out that sometimes when you shut up, people give you exactly what you want, whether it's information, reassurance, or free drinks. You hardly even have to ask! And other times, people start explaining themselves instead. You get a lot more useful information, and you feel a lot more relaxed." 

Lifted from: Cosmopolitan Magazine

There is a reason why I am such a Cosmo girl. Fan girl here! <3

Not Okay with Okay

In case you are wondering... I'm not okay. I'm not okay in settling. Yes, you heard me right.

Once was enough. But I'm not settling into something that I know I don't deserve.

I don't know when that day comes... and honestly, I'm not afraid if it doesn't come.

I'm not afraid.

I have no fear.

But if settling down to anyone is the norm these days, then I'm not okay.

...

I deserve more and if others can't give it to me.

I will give it all to myself.

Hashtag #empowered <3 hahahaha.

....

A dog would do, but that's work. Maybe a gold fish. Haha <3

I came Undone

Sun and Moon

There is a terrible pain in the left side of my heart. I can't seem to get it off my chest. Thinking of all my classes in internal medicine, I'm deciphering the various differential diagnoses I could get.

Am I having a heart attack?

Heart indeed. But no, not an attack. Just a case of emptiness.

It's funny how you possess that left side of my heart. Why not occupy this right side as well?

I don't know.

But these past days, all I know is that I feel pain.

You...

One day you will see that you were wrong about me.
One day you will see that everything I ever did was all for you
One day you will see that all of these was for us

Maybe.

But all I know is that one day, one day, one.... dayy..

One more day.

Soon.

One Day.

"I could have loved you until your walls came down, and in the midst of the rubble we’d find a place to start rebuilding. I wanted to show you that things that get knocked down can be rebuilt and that letting someone else help build you up can make you strong.

You couldn’t let me love you, so for a while you decided to make me hate you. How crazy is it that for you that was easier to accept? You were more comfortable with my bitterness and regret than with my genuine compassion. I realized too late that maybe you had seen this coming and decided to get out while you could still tread water, not realizing I would drown either way.

It’s true that I could have loved you. But you would have had to let me."

From,

If You Had Let Me, I Could

An Open Letter to the Girl I Love and Lost From Anonymous (Sweet)

Just because this is the sweetest thing: open letter to the girl I love

To the girl I loved and lost,

I woke up yesterday from a dream that we were lying in bed together on some lazy Sunday morning. You were talking to your mom on the phone and pretending you were alone while I buried my face in your shoulder and dozed off. I could almost smell your skin and feel the warmth of your naked body against mine until I woke up and you weren’t there beside me. Your absence from my bed served as a painful and palpable reminder that you are gone.

I know we’re not talking right now, but it’s late on the day that I start my new life and I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep because I’m going to be doing it all alone. In a few hours, I’ll wake up, shower, make coffee, and go to my new job knowing that when I get home I won’t be opening a bottle of wine and telling you how it went. Instead, I’ll be eating cereal by myself while feeling the full weight of the reality that the only person I want to tell about my day is the only person I can’t talk to.

I’ve been a total train wreck in the wake of our demise. An ACTUAL catastrophe of self-loathing and loneliness that I wasn’t even aware I was capable of feeling until I was sitting in my car outside your apartment crying so hard that I couldn’t breathe. The night we broke up, I immediately took off the ring you gave me, folded and stacked all of your clothes that I have accumulated, and rearranged everything in my room that reminds me that you exist. Consequently, my room is now littered with piles of miscellaneous items constantly reminding me that even though you’re gone, you’re never going to be too far from my mind. I confess that sometimes I still take your sweatshirt out of the pile and lie on my bed breathing in your scent and stop pretending to be okay.

In the weeks that you’ve been gone, I’ve started the process of organizing my life without you in it. Awkwardly filling the gaps you once occupied with new activities, old acquaintances, crappy movies, and more ice cream than I’d care to admit. Despite all of my efforts to charge ahead and leave you behind, I keep thinking that with enough time you’ll change your mind. That you’ll realize you made a mistake. That you want me back. That you want to be “us” again. That you still love me. I keep thinking you’ll change your mind and once again see me as the person standing next to you on your wedding day. As the person sitting on the couch with you after we put our kids to sleep. I keep thinking that you’ll simply change your mind and come back to me.

But I don’t want you to change your mind, I want you to make up your mind. I want you to make up your mind that it is me. That I wasn’t wrong to love you so deeply and believe you when you said you wanted to spend your life with me. I want you to make up your mind that while, yes, there are tens or hundreds or thousands of women that you could be with who might be fun/exciting/good in bed that I am the only one you truly love. I want you to make up your mind that the person who makes you happiest and makes your life feel worth living is me.

But I don’t know when or if that will happen and that’s the most painful part of all of this. The possibility that the love of your life may just simply not be me.

Either way, I’m going to start my new job tomorrow and I’m nervous. You’re the one person who knows how to calm me down and tomorrow I’ll be leaving my apartment without you telling me that I can do it, that I’m going to be great, that I shouldn’t be scared, and that you can’t wait to hear all about it tonight. I’ll go through each and every day putting one foot in front of the other while working hard to convince everyone that I am fine knowing that you’re somewhere else, doing something else, with someone else. I will put you out of my mind and simply carry on. Until I see your favorite candy at the grocery store. Until my phone vibrates. Until that song comes on. Until I have to go to sleep. Until I fall apart and have to start all over again…without you.

Love always,
Me

I will be BACK online... very SOON :)

Helloooo people who are reading my BLOG.

I've been so emotional and to be frank not OKAY.

Details to follow.

But rest assure, I will be back soon to bring the INs and OUTs of my LIFE.

Medical Life + Other Life (if there is) = HAHAHAHA

STAY TUNED 

Don't Quit Medical School

Last week, I had all the intention to quit medical school.

Personal reasons, I hope you don't mind that I keep this to myself.

But then, I realized that I'm half way there.

It's really just a long, long, long journey and I am getting impatient.

Keys to ponder on before entering medical school.

Get ready for a roller coaster ride of emotional turmoil.

You will encounter a lot of frustration, a lot of competition, a lot of disappointments, a lot of emotional attachment with the patients (and how to cope not to get affected when they die), a lot of readings, etc...

And that's just the beginning.

So if I were you, please.

DON'T ENTER MED SCHOOL.

I have no more choice since I have already invested so much in this field. That's just me.

But for you aspiring med students, think twice, think thrice--THINK.

And If you do DECIDE on BECOMING A DOCTOR, PREPARE YOURSELF.

You got to be emotionally strong.

It's not JUST GRADES HERE YOU KNOW.

IT'S BALANCING YOUR IQ AND EQ.

BOTH WILL BE TESTED.

TRUST ME.

Tired like Hell.

Tired like Hell. My back keeps hurting and the spot where they say I have adenomyoma is hurting badly, but can't really dwell on it because I gotta keep going.

Third year of medical school is tough. So many things needed to do keeps piling up. 

I hate this f* routine. I keep doing my paper in the morning. I hate procrastination.
But I can't help it because I am dead asleep when I go home.

I can't even eat lunch decently.

The nerve of some people to assume things.
The nerve of them to demand so much from me and accuse you of not giving ample time for them.

So pissed.

Dead tired. Now off to Pediatrics paper. I will deal with you when I have the luxury of time.

Find Ways to Motivate Yourself

My room is filled with little notes so that when I get depressed or burn-out with medical school, I am reminded on why I even did this in the first place.

Luckily, I have prepared my mind and soul for what awaits for me in this field. 

I guess, my one year break before med school was worth-it after all.

It taught me how to manage myself and how to stay focus despite the tough academic load. Maybe this is the reason why despite I have so much things to do for tomorrow, I find time to do what I want to do such as writing, hence the existence of this blog site.

I have pictures of people who matter the most to me so that when sh*! happens, I am reminded that they would be there for me. No matter if I would be at the lowest point of my life or at the highest, I know that they would back me up without judgment, without being too critical and without a single word that would hurt.

Thank you.

You don't know how your mere existence propels me to withstand this unbearable test of strength.

We will be doctors one day, and you wouldn't want your primary care physicians to be the first one to panic when things get rough. Maybe that's why they make things harder for us in order to be that source of strength.

I guess.

....

Like what my board says...

                                                                                                                                                 

"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."

                                                                                                                                                 

And so.... you are mine. Thank you. :)

My Only Exception

This song pierces my heart to the core.

Just made a few revisions to make the lyrics in prose form, here it goes:

                                                                                                                                                 

When I was younger, I saw my daddy cry as he cursed at the wind. He broke his own heart and I watched as he tried to reassemble it. My mama swore that she would never let herself forget and that was the day that I promised myself I'd never sing of love since it doesn't exist.

Maybe I know, somewhere deep in my soul that love never lasts. We've got to find other ways to make it on our own, alone or keep a straight face. I've always lived like this. I kept a comfortable distance and up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness. None of it was ever worth the risk.

I've got a tight grip on reality but I can't let go of what's in front of me here. I know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up, which leaves me with some kind of proof that all of this is not a dream.

You are the only exception. You are my only exception.

I'm on my way to believe. I'm on my way in believing.