Faded.

I know it's getting late

But you were on my mind.

I started looking at some pictures

And your face I did find.

Oh, Faded pictures

They age with the passing of time.

But with faded pictures

You are always on my mind.

Quoted from: Love Letter to an Old Flame by Jim Stewart

Perseverance in the Face of Adversity

I'm feeling kinda down these days. Maybe it's the hormonal imbalance and the lack of appropriate sleep, but anyhuu... it's making me edgy. In addition to this, I came across some of my batchmates today who are already graduating. My heart was filled with awe and joy for them, but there were some who weren't really happy to see me.

Well... no one is perfect and maybe I did some crazy nasty things back then, but it just pains me that people can be very judgmental and that they base your very being on one or two situations or incidents.

I was happy to also see that some of them have forgotten our differences and moved on. Blessed are those kinds of people and I pray for their success each day.

I'm kinda sad and upset that I now know who my real friends are and those who were just in with me for the ride. You really can't know who to trust until you fall flat on the ground. Alas, thanks to God... I am warned. :)

All I know is that even if people are silently talking about me behind my back (or am I just paranoid? lol) and judging me harshly, here I am proudly and steadily persevering to become a doctor.

There is a deep and personal reason for my previous failures which is causing delay to my M.D. graduation. I do not have to keep explaining to people on why. I don't owe anyone any explanation.

Trust me. You will see me rise again... in God's time. For now, God has humbled me to the lowly plains to replenish me when the time is ripe.

"Defeat is precisely what the enemy wants: Adverse circumstances arise, we flee in fear or defeat, and the enemy triumphs (interesting that he is called our "adversary" in 1 Peter 5:8). The last thing he wants is for God to be glorified through the trials in our lives." - Taken from: The Identity Project

Someday.

Someday. I can't contain this passion inside of me. I have been reading the book by Robert Greene entitled, "Mastery," and wow... all I can say is wow. It is such a wonder on how one book can give me so much profound knowledge and understanding.

My mind is racing with thoughts and dreams of the future. I am filled with tears with the knowledge that my passion has come back to me. Ever since my brother died 3 years ago, I felt different. As if my world changed and that everything in my life had no meaning... pointless.

Bereavement at it's finest, you may say. Many would have suggested that I should have took another year off from medical school to relieve oneself from the trauma and depression but the agony of not doing anything and the thought of not distracting myself from my grief was unbearable. So, I entered medical school even if I was in deep bereavement, which I have hidden so well with a poker face for years.

School was a routine, just to get by and I lost my vision, mission and my passion for my work. I lost sight of my goal and you may say... yes, I was indeed lost. Many asked me how I persevered, in an atmosphere where the competition is tough, where you do not know who your real friends are and where you must be cautious to trust who.... I guess, what gave me the strength was that I knew in my heart that becoming a doctor is my life's task, my calling, my vocation, my greatest achievement in my life, and my life's sole purpose.

Surpassing the Disappointment and Setbacks.

I've been too hung up on the fact that I filed a LEAVE OF ABSENCE (LOA) last semester during my Third Year as a Medical Student in the University of the East Ramon Magsaysay Memorial Medical Center Inc (UERMMCI) that I have been numbed to my feelings and at the same time been avoiding the subject matter per se.

But recent events had urged me to write about the feelings of what it is like to file an LOA since a freshman student from UP Manila committed suicide because of her forced LOA in response to her inability to pay her tuition fee.

As I try to find more objective evidences about this girl, Kristel Tejada from various news sources, one thing boils down... it is the disappointment of not graduating on time and regrets that stem from your goals in life for your love ones. I can relate because here I am, excited to be an intern at last next year but due to unexpected setbacks, I just have to learn how to cope on dealing with the fact that it's going to be delayed another year once more.

Food for Thought

"Let go of the disappointments and setbacks in your life and hang on to the promises of God for your future."

Let Go of the Pointless Drama

A.M.'s thought on Life

‎"When you're young, you feel like life hasn't yet begun, like life is scheduled to begin next week, next month, next year, after the holidays - whenever. But suddenly you're old, and the scheduled life never arrived. I find myself asking, 'Well, then, what was it exactly I was doing with all that time I had before I thought my life would begin?'" from Coupland's Player One.

My Only Exception

This song pierces my heart to the core.

Just made a few revisions to make the lyrics in prose form, here it goes:

                                                                                                                                                 

When I was younger, I saw my daddy cry as he cursed at the wind. He broke his own heart and I watched as he tried to reassemble it. My mama swore that she would never let herself forget and that was the day that I promised myself I'd never sing of love since it doesn't exist.

Maybe I know, somewhere deep in my soul that love never lasts. We've got to find other ways to make it on our own, alone or keep a straight face. I've always lived like this. I kept a comfortable distance and up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness. None of it was ever worth the risk.

I've got a tight grip on reality but I can't let go of what's in front of me here. I know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up, which leaves me with some kind of proof that all of this is not a dream.

You are the only exception. You are my only exception.

I'm on my way to believe. I'm on my way in believing.

                                                                                                                                                

Holding on to Fear

Fear is the ability to recognize danger leading to an urge to confront it or flee from it (also known as the fight-or-flight response) but in extreme cases of fear (horror and terror) a freeze or paralysis response is possible as defined by wikipedia.

Imagine that... "in extreme cases of fear, a freeze or paralysis response is possible."

I don't have to ask, since it is given that at one point of your life... you have experienced being afraid of something. As a matter of fact, I also had.

Ever since I could remember, this strange emotion we call fear has been running my life. From the horror of my past to the anxiety of tomorrow, I feel compelled. Not just compelled actually, but something I think that I hold on to. Holding on to fear is my biggest weakness. Maybe not just a weakness but a technique on how to survive.

Everyone does it and we all have our reasons. It may be due to the fact that we have lost something dearly in our lives and come out of that situation, wanting to prevent any similar circumstances to ever happen again. You tell yourself that the pain is cut deep and subconsciously, we do not realize that the response we give to that pain is by burying the hurt inside. At an instant, we shut everyone and everything out in the path similar to the road we deem will yield that lost and we get over-protective, suffocating all the people around us.

Whatever reasons we tell ourselves, the fact remains... fear takes control of the decisions we partake in our lives as a consequence of the experiences we have gathered from life itself.

So Much the Drama

I've had so much of the drama last week. Please anyone.. spare me so this coming week.

My little Dixi baby is right. I think I am a DRAMA QUEEN. The f***.