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Surpassing the Disappointment and Setbacks.
I've been too hung up on the fact that I filed a LEAVE OF ABSENCE (LOA) last semester during my Third Year as a Medical Student in the University of the East Ramon Magsaysay Memorial Medical Center Inc (UERMMCI) that I have been numbed to my feelings and at the same time been avoiding the subject matter per se.
But recent events had urged me to write about the feelings of what it is like to file an LOA since a freshman student from UP Manila committed suicide because of her forced LOA in response to her inability to pay her tuition fee.
As I try to find more objective evidences about this girl, Kristel Tejada from various news sources, one thing boils down... it is the disappointment of not graduating on time and regrets that stem from your goals in life for your love ones. I can relate because here I am, excited to be an intern at last next year but due to unexpected setbacks, I just have to learn how to cope on dealing with the fact that it's going to be delayed another year once more.
The hardest part of it all is to see facebook or twitter updates of your old batchmates on how they have survived the year and how they are excited to be a junior intern finally. If only you know how happy I am for them but at the same time lurking with envy that I would rather hide their updates forever on my news feed (haha). But then again, my boyfriend made me realize that it should be my form of inspiration rather than a source of envy. He's actually right and with him I have found a way to make it through the rough path of disappointment, regrets and setbacks.
I can relate with Kristel Tejada. Let me just describe the feeling of depression and loneliness that I have felt these past 6 months since I only filed my LOA during the Second Semester. The feeling of not studying anymore was liberating during the first 3 months, but soon after you realize how much everything meant to you and wondered what if you just continued.
My reasons for filing? Many, but the primary reason was my health. I was diagnosed with Acute Cholecystitis, in layman's terms Gallstones. On top of that, I had all my books flooded in the recent Habagat and my grandfather who was very dear to me died during my midterms last August 2012. You can also add that I got depressed which made it hard for me to concentrate and to study. Add to it was the fact that my group mates would't give any consideration or compassion during my hard times and for some weird reasons I just did not communicate what I was going through at those moment. They were hard to work with to begin with. I don't know what I have done to them for them to treat me that way, but then again I realized that you just don't find reasons. Obviously, I had done something to them that offended them severely and had decided for themselves to judge me completely based on one event. Try as I may and fix as I might, they never gave me another chance, which up to now I am very much sad because I think we could have been the best of friends.
Maybe filing this LOA was a good thing because in Medicine, you would be dragged down if you have group mates who would simply leave you hanging. I understand better now and maybe this was my consolation prize... to have a fresh start with a new group next school year. But either ways, I was really looking forward to work with my old group mates during my internship. It is through this way that we could finally bury the hatchet and move on--to be friends finally and to be happy for each other's success.
But God clearly had other plans for me. Something that until this day is unclear to me.
Another setback.... It hurts you know.
My first setback was during my pre-medical years when I was not able to go to medical school on time because I failed a subject. It was such a devastating event that my pride was not able to take it.
Being on top of your class all your life during your elementary and high school years did not prepare me for what was about to happen during my college days. I didn't realize that I could fail to begin with, and so when failure came, it ate me up and left me almost insane.
On top of that cherry, my big brother died due to a car accident the summer before I went to medical school. Not only that, just a month after his passing, my grandmother died. She was the only one who believed in me at those times when I could feel that everyone around me were casting judgment with eyes looking at you, filled with disappointment.
I held my head up high though.
Despite what people were saying at me behind my backs, I did not stop. My dream is to be a doctor and failing a subject does not make you any less of a doctor.
My brother and my grandmother's death were my inspiration during my first year in medical school that I felt as if I was too serious as compared to my batch mates. I found it hard to have fun and to loosen up because in my mind, I felt determined to go the extra mile for my beloved dead.
Many misread this as me being too competitive or being too righteous. I don't know what it did but I was passionate with my studies to the point that it made many of my peers insecure. If you only knew the beatings I got, the accusations and the pointless drama that could have been settled in a calm manner, you will be amazed on my strength.
I was hurt though. I wouldn't deny that but I learned how to live with it anyways. Everyday for the last 2 and 1/2 years of medical school was a constant battle of who was right and who will be the last one standing of being the smartest or the best. I kept my mouth shut but I was firm in not giving in. Those were the things you should know if you were a bully to begin with, and sadly I was during my high school days. I was being bullied and was forced to surrender... but to their outburst, they can't break me. It was hard though I must admit, but I was determined and passionate to finish my studies.
I was never lucky in the gamesmanship and the political game in the social world of academics. It never occurred to me until recently how important it was. But then again, it was clearly too late for my old group that I guess this LOA was a blessing in disguise.
I did not file an LOA because of them, I would just like to clear that out. My health and personal life was just out of hand that I just had to take a break from it all. To be frank, if I was given a chance, I would have wanted to stay in my group and sort out our differences. That for me will always be my biggest challenge for UERM Batch 2014. Pity, that I did not see myself victoriously in winning them to my side. But then again, I guess this was a sign for everyone on how we should have been understanding and non-judgmental to one another--something that I have learned from this incident. Who knows? Later in life, I might meet them again as my seniors and be friends, finally.
In medical school, you should learn how to respect the opinions and perspectives of each other and find a way to say it in a way that you will not offend the other party. I had a hard time doing this, which may explain the aftermath. I guess it's understandable for them to feel the way they feel for me.
If there's one thing I could have changed in my old group, it would have been my perspective around them. I, too am guilty and for that I am deeply sorry.
If any of my old group mates happen to cross this blog site, know that I am happy for your success and that all of you are in my prayers. I hope one day, our paths can cross and I pray that when that day happens, we can finally see how silly we were to begin with. :)
There's so much peace in love and forgiveness. If only I was able to let go of all the hurts and humiliation they have brought me then maybe things could have turned out differently. But then again, maybe I too hurt and humiliated them without me knowing and the cycle of abuse never stopped.
I am sorry. Now it stops.
If there's one thing I am proud and happy for filing an LOA, it was this. The cycle of abuse ended.
Everything happens for a reason, a reason we truly cannot perceive and understand at a certain time period. But I know when we have come to see everything in a bigger view, we finally understand the picture behind it.
I feel sad that Kristel Tejada was not able to see that bigger picture. I do not cast judgment on her or state that what she did was an act of cowardice. Maybe she was mentally ill to begin with. We can never tell but one thing I have learned from my own experiences with my former group mates, was that there is a reason behind every action.
I also felt giving up and was tempted a few times to commit suicide because of this setback. But when I look at it more closely, I see the image of my mother crying at her dead child and relatives brought down in despair that you realize that life is worth fighting for.
I may have filed an LOA, and YES it's gonna take me another year for me to be a full pledged doctor but unlike Kristel Tejada, I can still see my goals, dreams and aspirations to come true.
Patience is certainly a virtue these days.
One thing we have forgotten is to be patient with ourselves.
Life is a constant battle of failure and success, but the challenge of it is to surpass the disappointment of failure and setbacks and to bounce back again.
I may not be there yet, but I know I'll get there with sheer determination and focus.
I may have been down and depressed these days because of this LOA, but the life and death of Kristel Tejada made me realized that it's not the end of the world. I feel sad for her though but then again, I realized that her death, her brave act of giving up her life made people of this world contemplate on their own lives.
So in that aspect, I thank you.
Thank you so much for making me surpass this disappointment and setback.
I do not know you but I hope you find peace.
I may not be there yet, but I am closer than I was yesterday.I will not give up. I will stand once more and head on to the unknown horizon with heads held up high.
And for YOU, yes you, who are reading my blog and can relate with their current disappointment and setback in their own lives: Let my story be your inspiration as Kristel's life was mine. It's never too late to bounce back again and start anew. Take that leap of faith and courage to pick up the pieces of your lives and start again. Life is worth fighting for.
1 feedbacks
It's a lengthy post, but I stuck with it up to the last period. I commend you for being strong in spite of all that happened in your life. Taking that LOA doesn't mean you're a quitter or a failure. Sometimes, people just need to take a break. I can feel that you'll be a good doctor someday. No need to rush. Everything will fall into place in God's perfect time. God bless! :)
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