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The Line of Uncertainty and The Point of No Return.
I've been away for a very long time and for my readers, I apologize for that. It's just that I have been having a very emotional and rough path these days, these weeks, these months and these years.
What am I saying?
I am saying that I am undergoing a transformation which entails a lot of thinking, medication and internal peace. I am at the stage of my life right now where I am at the line of uncertainty but I have already crossed the point of no return.
I don't know if anyone has experienced what I am saying so let me further elaborate it.
All my life since I could remember, I was raised to be an obedient child and sure enough I know that I did obey. There were instances that I would no longer understand some set principles, traditions and values which my family followed rigorously. But as a loving and obedient child I followed nevertheless. My only frustration was that my parents and relatives weren't good with words. They weren't able to explain to me the reasons behind why I must follow and to make me understand that by doing so I would inherit a cherished treasure.
None was given to my dismay.
I recall those sleepless nights where I cried out in vain asking for the strength to carry on and to have the wisdom to understand all the reasons behind everything.
God answered my prayer. He gave me strength, and what incredible strength of steel it was.
I was able to finish an undergraduate course without even liking the core of it through perseverance, patience and courage.
All I told myself each day as I entered the hallways of my department was that, "This too shall pass."
And so the days did passed and I was able to graduate.
I took a year off before going to medical school to understand what I wanted to do with my life and since I was already a college graduate for some weird reasons, I was finally given some liberty to propel my life in the direction that I wanted.
It was not easy to propel to the direction I wanted. I had to adjust the sails against the direction of the wind most of the time and to manage how to go against the current. But in the end, I felt too exhausted to proceed. I didn't know where the horizon either ways so might as well let the current take me to where it wanted me to go.
I had no one to turn to for an alternative path. I had not gathered enough experiences to make my own decisions. I had nothing to gain and all to lose so I decided to go the distance--go further on to that path.
This time I heeded once more not because I was a naive child but I was wise enough not to waste my time going around in circles. In my heart, I told myself that one day it will be revealed to me what I wanted to do with my life but right now, what my life requires me to do is to live and to make use of what I have at that very moment.
I was a Bio Major graduate and as I went to countless job interviews at that time, I realized that the jobs that I could enter was either a professor, a medical representative for a pharmaceutical company or an insurance company, call center agent or a biology researcher. None of these were my choices. I could however enter medical school and become a doctor.
The last one was more appropriate for me and was more suitable to my past achievements and academic credentials. Likewise, it gave honor to my family.
So I gave in. It was MY DECISION and not anyone else, contrary to the belief of many.
I weighed my inclinations and I realized that I wanted to be around people. I, however was not prepared for the weight of the academic load and the bulk of the volume of readings.
I guess I was not prepared. I was half-baked, half-cooked, half-hearted, everything in half..., which did not go well. But in the end however, I loved it. Maybe as time went by, I have gotten used to it and I realized that this is where I wanted to be in the first place.
To think that I wanted to blow it off at first because I didn't feel that vibration or that intense calling. I guess this is the common mistakes of the youth, waiting for the calling, expecting that it would just happen. I don't believe in fate and destiny. I guess I believe that we make our own destiny.
It's funny to think that I know people around me who would rather go around in circles than to take a leap of faith to settle for the unknown, unsure and the uncertain. I hear their excuses that they don't know what course they would take up yet so they would rather work in a dead-end job with no growth than to seize the opportunity to learn and to earn a bachelor's degree.
I believe that it doesn't matter what course you had in college to get what you want.
I have a friend who graduated in B.S. Applied Physics and is now a journalist and a newscaster. I have a friend who graduated in Architecture who ended up as an Operator Manager in the BPO industry. I have a friend who graduated in English literature and is now with me in Medical school.
It doesn't matter what course you graduate. What's important is that you are a college graduate.
(At this point, I want to make a disclaimer. I do not say that all college graduates are successful and those that did not graduate or finish their college degree are failures. I am just saying that I take high regard for education and I believe that finishing a college degree is one's self fulfillment. This is just my own opinion).
What I was thinking back then when I graduated in 2009 was, "What will I do now? Do I want to be a physician which will take my youth and another 5 years of my time or do I want to pursue my childhood dream of becoming a journalist slash newscaster?"
In my mind, "Oh Lord, Dad will kill me."
In the end however, I realized I wanted to become a doctor and pointed out that the root of my desire to become a newscaster is to deliver reform in our nation by making the public more aware of our current situation. Patch Adams was my source of inspiration in this very hard decision making process that I had to entail. He used the field of medicine as a tool for social reform and that is what I opt to do in the coming years when I am a full grown physician.
There are days when I am bummed down and when I tell myself just to give up the fight, but when I see that clear vision of what I want to become, I become alive, transformed and inspired.
I gave up writing during the first 2 years of medical school to concentrate, but I realized lately that it is through writing that I am given more reasons to continue.
I am at the field where we have the power of influence. Let's face it, people have high regard for doctors, for which I would take advantage of with the power of my pen--in this case, my fine iCORE5 laptop and my trusty keypad to which I pray won't fail me. I want to write on the lives of the patients to whom I am interacting with on a daily basis and on the ups and downs of medical school to inspire future doctors.
I am at the point of no return.
I have grown so much these past years and aged with wisdom, thanks to my God. I am at the stage where I am of age to decide which doctrine to believe in and to disregard old beliefs. I guess you can just simply call it as GROWING UP. You just simply hold on to the things you believed as a child, let go of the silly things you used to believe and acquire new set values.
This is the part where I hope that the people who have raised me could respect that the time has come where I could no longer be dictated on what to do but rather find other ways to express their concern with the power of influence and persuasion.
I don't know where the road would lead me, but I am certain that I am closer than yesterday to my destination.
And yes, I will bring my pen (AKA Blog) in that road, in the hope that when all this ends, I will remember where I started--that little uncertain girl, who didn't even know what she wanted in life but managed to have the courage to face the vast dark world of the uncertain.
In the end, it all boils down on being grounded.
1 feedbacks
CLAP CLAP CLAP! Well said Anj. :) I'm an incoming medical school freshman and I can relate with you so much. I also finished BS Biology, and I've also thought about the career options of a BS Biology graduate.None of them attracted me other than medicine. I took a year off after graduation to think of whether I really want to become a doctor or not, and ended up deciding to pursue it. I'm starting school again this June, and I have mixed feelings about it. Anyway, I hope like you, I'll be able to persevere through medical school.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I stumbled upon your blog as I was looking for blogs of medical students. I have a blog too and I've been following lots of other blogs. Most of them are DIY, fashion, lifestyle etc blogs, but only a few medical school blogs. So I decided to look for some to follow. That's how I ended up here. :)Looking forward to read more of your works!
http://medicalschoolroadtrip.blogspot.com