Surpassing the Disappointment and Setbacks.

I've been too hung up on the fact that I filed a LEAVE OF ABSENCE (LOA) last semester during my Third Year as a Medical Student in the University of the East Ramon Magsaysay Memorial Medical Center Inc (UERMMCI) that I have been numbed to my feelings and at the same time been avoiding the subject matter per se.

But recent events had urged me to write about the feelings of what it is like to file an LOA since a freshman student from UP Manila committed suicide because of her forced LOA in response to her inability to pay her tuition fee.

As I try to find more objective evidences about this girl, Kristel Tejada from various news sources, one thing boils down... it is the disappointment of not graduating on time and regrets that stem from your goals in life for your love ones. I can relate because here I am, excited to be an intern at last next year but due to unexpected setbacks, I just have to learn how to cope on dealing with the fact that it's going to be delayed another year once more.

When Death has No Bearing... Anymore.

Earlier on today, our group had to interview a patient in the medicine ward of UERM hospital, charity section. It was not my turn to take the history and physical examination so I just had to observe my other group mates. It was boring, sitting just there... watching.

So what happened was while I had to practically be there to support my group mates, the patient just beside our assigned patient was very friendly so in my usual talkative state, I kept her company.

We had a good conversation until we came across sensitive topics about death, doctors who only cares about money and how the poor would rather not consult a doctor due to their financial status.

I was numbed. I didn't know what to say to convince her of not giving up hope and to reconsider her belief that all doctors are after financial gain.

As we were having a wonderful conversation, I felt this pain in my heart that I want to help her more. I was so overwhelmed with her story on how all her life savings were washed away because of her sickness. She elaborated that she used to be a pay patient in our private hospital but because of her kidney problem (She needs to have a kidney dialysis every 8 hours, everyday for the rest of her life), she was robbed of everything. In her own words, "Naubos ang lahat ng kabuhayan ko."

My heart crushed. My eyes were tearing and that's when I realized I needed to wrap-up the conversation because if I did not, I will be swayed. And knowing myself when I get swayed, I might help this patient financially leaving me broke. LOL.

So as I was trying to bid farewell, I was crushed once more when she said that she thinks she wouldn't last another year with her condition.

Oh boy. Oh no.

I tried to comfort her, but all my words were futile.

So, the best thing I could do was to leave... immediately as I felt that tears were starting to fall.