Earlier on today, our group had to interview a patient in the medicine ward of UERM hospital, charity section. It was not my turn to take the history and physical examination so I just had to observe my other group mates. It was boring, sitting just there... watching.

So what happened was while I had to practically be there to support my group mates, the patient just beside our assigned patient was very friendly so in my usual talkative state, I kept her company.

We had a good conversation until we came across sensitive topics about death, doctors who only cares about money and how the poor would rather not consult a doctor due to their financial status.

I was numbed. I didn't know what to say to convince her of not giving up hope and to reconsider her belief that all doctors are after financial gain.

As we were having a wonderful conversation, I felt this pain in my heart that I want to help her more. I was so overwhelmed with her story on how all her life savings were washed away because of her sickness. She elaborated that she used to be a pay patient in our private hospital but because of her kidney problem (She needs to have a kidney dialysis every 8 hours, everyday for the rest of her life), she was robbed of everything. In her own words, "Naubos ang lahat ng kabuhayan ko."

My heart crushed. My eyes were tearing and that's when I realized I needed to wrap-up the conversation because if I did not, I will be swayed. And knowing myself when I get swayed, I might help this patient financially leaving me broke. LOL.

So as I was trying to bid farewell, I was crushed once more when she said that she thinks she wouldn't last another year with her condition.

Oh boy. Oh no.

I tried to comfort her, but all my words were futile.

So, the best thing I could do was to leave... immediately as I felt that tears were starting to fall.

That's the problem with health practitioners these day. We are in this field because we are drawn in wanting to help, to cure, and to bring comfort to the sick and to the dying but at the end of the day, we are left disappointed because the person we are trying to yield our services to, won't even want to help themselves.

Like my professors always say, "Weep with one eye."

You have to feel their pain and sufferings in order to help them but not to the point of weeping that hinders you from doing your job.

I'm still trying to figure out on how not to be affected with my patients, but at time present... I can't deny the fact that I feel so sorry for them to the point that I feel depressed.

Maybe time will help me mature.

My only wish is that when the time comes... a death of a patient won't be as if I am putting a check or "X" mark on my "To do List."

I hope that when that happens, the death of this person would inspire me and would mean something to me.

Death has a bearing.

The difference between a health practitioner and the common individual is that we see the entire cycle of this thing we call life when death arrives. When someone dies in our ward, we see a new life come out in the OB ward.

Maybe that is why death has no bearing to some health practitioners.

It's because we don't fear death anymore since we see it on a daily basis and maybe because we know that someone has to die in order to welcome another life into this world. MAYBE.

I may not understand it fully yet at this point in time, but maybe I can contemplate more about it.

Being a doctor is not just the books, you know... It's about being strong on handling sensitive issues such as these. Something to contemplate on before entering medical school.