It's 2:39 AM. I'm in Calbayog city, Samar and for some weird reasons I have this urge to write. It's been so long since I had this feeling when my thoughts are racing and that I just need a pen or a laptop in order to organize them and to have internal peace of having heard or written down the things I hide inside.

The last time I felt this was two years ago when I have conceived this blog site out of boredom because for unfortunate turns of events, I was not able to go to medical school right away.

I used this blog site in order to clear out my thoughts in a big decision on where to go and to apply. I researched on almost all the forum that I could find available on the internet and interviewed my former classmates who were already on their first year in medical school. I was that passionate in finding the right place for me to be in but sadly in the end, I was not even able to pick the medical school of my choice.

I chose Ateneo school of medicine. For some weird reasons, I was taken away by their mission and vision. I also felt that same passion in providing leaders and social catalyst in our country. Many of my relatives opposed this but I was determined to take the risk. Sadly, with another turn of unfortunate events, my brother died days before I received my acceptance letter.

My initial reaction was shock and denial as always in the stages of bereavement. But what made it worse was when I had to take care and to step up for my mother who was in so much pain. For an estimate of 3 days, I was not able to sleep well nor cry hard. It only hit me hard on the day before my brother's burial, and to top it off, it was on my birthday. Tough luck, dammit. All hell broke loose soon after. And to that, I firmly attest.

I couldn't accept that he was gone in an instant where his last words to me was "Go away!"'

......

I don't want to be emotional. But clearly, you get it.... it was tough. I couldn't go home because every corner reminded me of him. I just wanted to stay away but clearly no one understood. People were telling me to be strong since I was next in line to the kin of hierarchy among my siblings since I was second to my dead brother.... but I couldn't. A big part of me died when my brother died. It was the hope that despite the experiences and trauma you had in the past, there will be a future waiting to make things right.

That hope in me died with him and is now buried with him six feet under.

I was in the hospital for two weeks after his death because I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep and I couldn't continue living. This was the time when I was supposed to be in the summer program required for admission in Ateneo school of medicine. Yeah, perfect timing.

So, what happened next? As usual, other people make decisions for me and I landed in UERM.

Then just days after my discharge, my grandmother passes away. The only person who ever believed and understood me during those hard and painful weeks. I was too numbed with pain to even write or do anything, hence my writer's drought for almost 2 years.

That is how I spent my summer before entering medical school.

HAHAHAHA.

I kept teasing myself if my professors would make us do an essay on how I spent my summer vacation just like in elementary. Yeah, it was swell. I saw lots of dead bodies and practiced on how to make a good eulogy. 

LOL.

I found myself with having school as my only consolation though and gave my all during my first year in medical school despite the fact that I was not happy with the atmosphere. In my own opinion and observation, most of my peers were just trying to get by without grabbing the opportunity of slowly becoming as a physician who shows compassion to their patients and to learn with the zeal and passion in applying the knowledge we learn in class to the field.

That's when I realized, I was different.

Ateneo got me in their campaign for doctors to be social movers and it took me just recently to accept that I'm not there. Oh well. Life.But I'm not saying I don't like my school. To be frank, I am so happy with UERM. I am so impressed with our alumni and with the practice of my fellow colleagues. I guess what I am looking for is the sense of involvement in nation building in the medical field.

Yeah, I know. I am such an idealist. Blame my UP roots for that.

I guess with all the things that happened to me so far, the lesson I am getting is to take things one at a time. 

I guess for the mean time since I am not yet a doctor and do not possess the power to really affect a person's life is to be patient and to be like those typical medical students out there who don't really give a shit about anything but to pass, to study for the exams and the board exam, to just get the f*?!`n history and physical examination without establishing good rapport, to make up one own's history and diagnosis without talking to the actual patient just so that we can present something to the consultant, to just get the damn paper done without giving sufficient time to revise and edit because quality simply is not important since we are all pressed for time, to expect that our peers should cover up our asses because we are all in this together and lastly... to care so much in grades to the point of bringing down the competitors along the way.

Yup, that is medical school in a nut shell. I think at this point I must make a disclaimer. Hahaha. I do not intend to offend anyone. This is just based on my experience and is not applicable to all medical schools. There are still other medical students who I have met who are good and key players in this competitive field and to them I find refuge.

After 2 years of medical school, all I can say is... so far, so good. I regret not doing my best in the exams and in having that clear goal of having good and high grades since I realized recently that it will be important once more in the future. But then again, I sacrificed that to get a good history and to spend time with my patients. I met many faces with various illnesses and I know I got their trust when they tell their life story to me about their children, family, financial troubles and the like.

My grades are not that good because I realized long ago that they are just numbers, but I think for the coming year... I would like to make them count. Anyways, it's my last year in a sit-down type classroom scenario.

So do I have any regrets so far?

Nah. I would give up my grades any day just to be with my patients and to provide them comfort rather than being the book-typed physician.

But for some weird reasons, I understand now. Like I said, one step at a time. I will have the opportunity to really talk to patients and to really bond with them, but I guess for the time being of getting there, I must put a limit on the time I spend with my patients to get high grades. I'm not really in favor of that but seriously, I need next year's grades to pull up my general weight average (GWA) to get in to my desired hospital for senior internship.

And like I said. In the long run of my life, so far... it's all good.

I'm BACK.

The drought has ended.