Technical Difficulties.

I did something stupid with my brand new lenovo laptop.

DAMMIT. I'm frustrated with what I did so allow me not to get into the details.

I'll be fixing the problem this weekend, to my dismay, need to reinstall operating system. HAGGARD.

Oh well, tough luck boyfriend. :) I am so sorry. hihihihi

My Only Exception

This song pierces my heart to the core.

Just made a few revisions to make the lyrics in prose form, here it goes:

                                                                                                                                                 

When I was younger, I saw my daddy cry as he cursed at the wind. He broke his own heart and I watched as he tried to reassemble it. My mama swore that she would never let herself forget and that was the day that I promised myself I'd never sing of love since it doesn't exist.

Maybe I know, somewhere deep in my soul that love never lasts. We've got to find other ways to make it on our own, alone or keep a straight face. I've always lived like this. I kept a comfortable distance and up until now I had sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness. None of it was ever worth the risk.

I've got a tight grip on reality but I can't let go of what's in front of me here. I know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up, which leaves me with some kind of proof that all of this is not a dream.

You are the only exception. You are my only exception.

I'm on my way to believe. I'm on my way in believing.

                                                                                                                                                

There can be Life aside from Medicine... seriously.

Just finished my tasks for today. Not really medical related but more of on a personal note. I was able to run down to my bank, BDO in Quezon Avenue to close my account in order to transfer it to BPI. On my way home, I was able to inquire about opening a bank account in Metrobank, Q. Ave branch.

The heat of the sun was at it's finest and as usual I had to f* walk.

Like driving a car will happen within my reach at this life time of mine. Seriously, let us all move on.

HAHA. But that's a sensitive issue I don't want to tackle.

Also, I found out that Fete de la Musique 2012 is tomorrow!

OMG. I am so excited.

I am trying to learn how to mix club songs. I am not trying to walk into the shadows of my late beloved brother, DJ LAMOK (the guy they always dedicate the rap battles in fliptop. haha. I have a famous brother, isn't that cool?). Lamok's music was more of.... actually I duno what it was. But mine is more of clubbing and dancing.

So I am looking forward for the hip hop and electronika stage tomorrow :)

When Death has No Bearing... Anymore.

Earlier on today, our group had to interview a patient in the medicine ward of UERM hospital, charity section. It was not my turn to take the history and physical examination so I just had to observe my other group mates. It was boring, sitting just there... watching.

So what happened was while I had to practically be there to support my group mates, the patient just beside our assigned patient was very friendly so in my usual talkative state, I kept her company.

We had a good conversation until we came across sensitive topics about death, doctors who only cares about money and how the poor would rather not consult a doctor due to their financial status.

I was numbed. I didn't know what to say to convince her of not giving up hope and to reconsider her belief that all doctors are after financial gain.

As we were having a wonderful conversation, I felt this pain in my heart that I want to help her more. I was so overwhelmed with her story on how all her life savings were washed away because of her sickness. She elaborated that she used to be a pay patient in our private hospital but because of her kidney problem (She needs to have a kidney dialysis every 8 hours, everyday for the rest of her life), she was robbed of everything. In her own words, "Naubos ang lahat ng kabuhayan ko."

My heart crushed. My eyes were tearing and that's when I realized I needed to wrap-up the conversation because if I did not, I will be swayed. And knowing myself when I get swayed, I might help this patient financially leaving me broke. LOL.

So as I was trying to bid farewell, I was crushed once more when she said that she thinks she wouldn't last another year with her condition.

Oh boy. Oh no.

I tried to comfort her, but all my words were futile.

So, the best thing I could do was to leave... immediately as I felt that tears were starting to fall.

Pediatric Patient #1: Case Study

I couldn't find a pediatric patient with the same symptoms as the picture above; but you get the picture. HAHA.

I am once again doing a paper.... this time on pediatrics.

So there's internal medicine, surgery, psychiatry and pediatrics that requires a paper submitted containing the history, physical examination, clinical impression, differential diagnosis, treatment and management.

KILL ME NOW.

Medicine is getting challenging. OMG. Oh well.

Sharing the history of present illness for those inspiring medical students, if you are curious about the correct differential diagnosis, just let me know.

I got my differential diagnosis incorrect with my surgical patient. Apparently, it was thyroid carcinoma although the history taking was indicative of something else. Oh well! You never get it right anyways at this level, that is why it's a learning process and the reason why we have consultants in order to guide junior doctors like myself. :)

Anyways, need to finish this damn paper.

Chief complaint: Anterior Neck Mass

The patient came in with a complaint of a growing mass on the neck.

Four weeks prior to admission, the patient suddenly noticed a mass that is said to be solid, firm, non-movable, non-tender, warm to touch with redness over the area. It is said to be about the size of an old one-peso coin and located at the right anterior portion of the neck. It is associated with cough and colds. There were no aggravating or relieving factors identified. He went to the health centre for a consult and was prescribed an unrecalled drug which he took once a day with compliance.

Three weeks prior to admission, the mass continued to increase in size and was said to be the size of a calamansi. It is associated with weight loss of about 6 kilograms, difficulty in swallowing solid food, hoarseness of voice and difficulty in breathing when flat in bed. He can only tolerate food processed with a blender or oatmeal. No consult or therapy done.

The said mass continued to grow also affecting the left anterior portion of the neck and he also experienced difficulty in swallowing liquids which prompted consult at the UERM Hospital.

He does not smoke but occasionally drinks alcoholic beverages. His meals usually include rice, fish and vegetables. There is no family history of thyroid problems or cancer. He reports easy fatigability and excessive sweating. He denies experiencing pain on the affected area, hyperactivity, irritability, insomnia, palpitations, heat or cold intolerance, diarrhea, and constipation.

For this case, my clinical impression is TB lymphadenopathy versus Lymphoma.

Need to read on Harrison. 

P.S. Doing this stupid paper in Zen Tea Banawe. I hope I finish asap. I hate bringing work at home.

Medical Students = Profit for Tea/Coffee Shops

At some point in your medical life, you will get tired of studying inside your room. Thus, the existence of coffee shops and tea shops have been such a big relief for medical students.

I usually study in Banawe since that is the nearest commercial lot within my home.

I found this cool tea shop, Zen Tea. For only P50.00, I have fast wi-fi connection, outlet (unlimited) and really great flavored green tea. I used to study in Starbucks cafe, but my financial status can't afford the P150.00 worth of coffee. It closes until 12 a.m. so no need to feel "bitin" with your readings. You can also bring food. HAHAHA. Oh well, kapal muks kasi ako.

One accepted fact during your entire course of study in medicine proper is that you won't be able to save money for yourself. I am still struggling with that hard truth.

I am 25 years old at present but still I feel dependent on my parents and I hate it.

I hope one day, this f* hardship will pay off.

This is the inconvenient truth. Something to ponder on before entering medical school.

101 Reasons why I can't have my own Car

I can give you 101 reasons why I can't have my own car. But, on top of the list is the fact that the place I'm residing is not flood-free.

All the more reasons, why I am this close in finally giving in to my boyfriend's plea to live in the far away land of Las Piñas City when the time comes.

But then again, let's see.

P.S. All I ever wanted for this school year was to experience what it's like to drive a car in school. Was that too much too ask? Hmm. I guess it was.

Holding on to Fear

Fear is the ability to recognize danger leading to an urge to confront it or flee from it (also known as the fight-or-flight response) but in extreme cases of fear (horror and terror) a freeze or paralysis response is possible as defined by wikipedia.

Imagine that... "in extreme cases of fear, a freeze or paralysis response is possible."

I don't have to ask, since it is given that at one point of your life... you have experienced being afraid of something. As a matter of fact, I also had.

Ever since I could remember, this strange emotion we call fear has been running my life. From the horror of my past to the anxiety of tomorrow, I feel compelled. Not just compelled actually, but something I think that I hold on to. Holding on to fear is my biggest weakness. Maybe not just a weakness but a technique on how to survive.

Everyone does it and we all have our reasons. It may be due to the fact that we have lost something dearly in our lives and come out of that situation, wanting to prevent any similar circumstances to ever happen again. You tell yourself that the pain is cut deep and subconsciously, we do not realize that the response we give to that pain is by burying the hurt inside. At an instant, we shut everyone and everything out in the path similar to the road we deem will yield that lost and we get over-protective, suffocating all the people around us.

Whatever reasons we tell ourselves, the fact remains... fear takes control of the decisions we partake in our lives as a consequence of the experiences we have gathered from life itself.

First Day High

Just arrived few hours ago from school, and for some weird reasons I feel like writing. I'm having a lot of positive energy. Uhuh, it's some first day high madness and it's kinda cool.

I'm in the middle of organizing my schedule and my classes.

Finally, I'm on my third year in medical school. Can you imagine that?

I remembered the days when I was trying to figure out what medical school was all about as I watched the first year students gather in the cafeteria. I couldn't believe that I made it through. I mean with everything that has happened to me, I'm just lucky to have reached this far. My older brother and my grandmother died the summer before I entered medical school so the common scenario back then was hospital, funeral and cemetery. It was depressing.

Unlike others who were preparing themselves for med school, I on the other hand had to be physically and emotionally equipped to survive the academical load. Pity. If only things turned out differently, I would have motivated myself to excel in my subjects. But, alas God had other plans for me. I found my compassion however that summer. I realized that those sad and painful experiences happened for me to develop the gift of empathy, which I know would be important for my medical career.

Bummer

I woke up today feeling such a big bummer. Yeah, life is a bummer sometimes. Define bummer free dictionary and it states that it means  "an experience that is irritating or frustrating or disappointing."

Uhuh. Exactly what I feel. I cannot really elaborate the reasons why I am disappointed or frustrated because I promised myself to scrap out all the personal details from the world wide web. No one gives a damn tho. Hahaha.

So if you're reading this, then maybe for some weird reasons you have managed to look into this site. And yes, its a sunday and what a bummer.

HAHA.

P.S. Need creative juice to finish my articles for this site. I'm just currently out of it. I apologize for that.