THE TWO POPES

So it's the start of my Christmas duty. Will be on duty every 72 hours starting today. Rest on Monday. Duty again on December 24, 25 and 26. Rest again on 27 and go back on 28. Wild, huh?

But what the heck, they gave me a New Years off so I'm heading to Bangkok for a week with the fambam, wohooo. I love thai food. You should honestly try them. 

So Netflix is like my best friend these days. I am so in love they are making films with historical content and now I can't believe it, shrieking out loud that The Two Popes are now streaming. Yeyyyy. Patients makisama kayo. I'm on a netflix binge. 

I so love history. I love learning actually. I told you I'm a full pledged nerd right? Vatican, Roman Catholic and religion, are also one of my weird fascination in terms of gaining knowledge.

Oh well, enough rambling. Watching now! Hope to watch this with no ER calls!

Happy Holidays from your medical team forced to be on duty this Christmas 😂🎄🌲😭🎅

NETFLIX BINGE

Dear Netflix,

Every peso I am paying you is worth it, thanks to your recent added series, "Crash landing into you" featuring no other than Hyun Bin (oh myyyyyyyyyyyyyy, *laglag pantttyy is an underrstatement, haha. Lady boner ampu, disclaimer: kids, get out of this site, haha. And remind me to take this website down once I start my private practice hahaha)

Hyun Bin, I love you the moment I saw you at Memories of Alhambra. And touche once more Netflix for the scenery and cinematography of Spain. You so make me so want to go there and just recently I learned there's like an AGONCILLO town in Madrid! Wohoooo. Lolo would be so happy. My lolo is a homegrown Batangueno and he would have been proud if I could revisit my Batangas origin.

Anyways going back.... HYUN BIN KEEP ME COMPANY IN THIS FUCKING LONELINESS OF RESIDENCY, ADD BOREDOM. hahaha. Here are some of my favorite pictures of yooooo

Ughhhhhh. What I'll do to see you in Korea now. Hehehe

Since Fawad Khan has no new series for me to binge watch on Netflix, to whom started my fasicnation for PAKISTANI FILMS aka Lollywood (YES, YOU GUYS SHOULD SEE PAKISTAN MOVIES AND SERIES. BEST MAN. SO LAUGHING OUT LOUD), reverting back to K-drama momentarily since I am so hooked in learning the North Korean culture. Actually, the new series, Crash Landing into you is making me want to read and learn on the Korean history (GEEEEEK AT HEART AND PROUD).

Oh well, until then. This will always be you in my heart, Fawad Khan (tooo badddd you areee a marrieeed mannn. Huhu)

Gulp. My heart sank just by seeing your face again. 

Finishing phil health CF4 forms. Cannot enjoooyyyy netflixxxx. Haha.

I'm rambling on my own again. Haha

HUMOR ME

I'm reading Ryan Agoncillo's lengthy instagram captions for his wife. Daymmm. They are the goal.

I'd do anything to find a life partner who I can spend long nights with discussing about dreams, ambitions, or anything under the sun that covers passions on anthropology, culture, history and my weird fascination with world war 1, world war 2 and Russian culture (recently, Romanov dynasty. Disappointed on the documentary series of Netflix, The Last Czar tho- seriously Rasputin was a whore. Lol), gotten over my Napoleon Bonaparte stage craze tho (he's one wacko dude, lol. 1 summer of reading intensively my European book). In summary, someone who can share these passions with me.

And the part where Ryan said they were laughing all night. This is why ain't gonna settle until then. Sad that my best friend of 8 years wasn't able to stay for that (my first time acknowledging the ex, lol), he would make me laugh so hard before an exam. Good days. Good days. I'm happy for him tho and heyyyy so over himmm.

I guess it's nice to be bestfriends with your life partner. I'm happy for Ryan (we're long long lost relatives tho since we also originated from Taal, Batangas) 😊

CAGED

Lola's back home. Been spending time in her house while she's in the province (half way, safe house as I call it, long long long story, hahaha). Can't leave at 12am nor go to the gym at 4am, wtffffff. So what time can I go in and out of this house? Go inside when there is no sun and go out when there is sun. Huhuhuhu. Sunlight makisama ka. Hahaha 🌞☀️😂

Forced to go back home. 🤣😅

But I love being with her too much so weekends would do!

Will always be Lola's girl, grand mama.

Thank you for half raising me (alam niyo naman sayo lang ako sumusunod, hahaha #hanash) 😂

S/P INTUBATION

It's a saturday morning and I'm stuck in the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) monitoring a 36 weeker due to apnea of prematurity probably secondary to sepsis due to retained fecal materials, to consider necrotizing enterocolitis (the worse man). Haven't had my morning coffee (which reminds me to undo these days since the coffee stain on my teeth are starting to bug me) and had to tie my hair in a bun (which all know that means I'm toxic, haha) because I'll be hyperventilating baby when the oxygen saturation hits 70-80% (bummer).

But for some weird reasons, there is a sense of adrenaline rush which makes me high on a positive note. Just ordered stand by epinephrine, stand by dopamine, worse case add dobutamine for more pressors to increase the pump of the heart for blood to oxygenate the brain, to prevent hypoxic encephalopathy which in my experience is not a good aftermath for the patient. I realized that boredom is really my biggest enemy. When I am bored, I feel so lazy and not needed, which is why I always need something to stimulate my brain in thinking.

Need to master the principle behind neonatal mechanical ventilation, good thing I purchased that PGH guide on it. Thinking of going into neonatology for subspecialization, however the thrill of the chase of the outdoor is still the most I crave for.

Please Baby A, don't code on me now. 

Need caffeine now. Huhuhu 😭🤞🏥

This is my guide in emergency cases when manipulating the settings. 🤞😭 Hopefully I wouldn't need you. 

MOTHERHOOD

I just had a patient who is currently being taken care of by her aunt because the mother is too busy at work to take care of her. Well, that's according to the tita.

This reminded me on some flashbacks and then I asked myself if I can bear a child into this world and let other people take care of him or her while I'm out there chasing my dreams. 

At some point, I was willing to but then again, I had to hold back just because I realized that I want to be a hands-on parent someday. Not just to my kid but to my husband (yes, in all honesty I do want marriage if it's meant for me. Can't have a kid out of wedlock. 🤞🤞).

Watched Marriage story on Netflix the other day. Thank God I'm not in any mess and complications near that. But I do applaud people who go through that emotional stress and come out unscathed. I think I would have emotionally broken down if it were me, catching my husband cheating on me (Lorddddd, all I ask in return for all of the stress and fucked up you made me go through is a blissful marriage and a faithful mate. Huhuhu. Pls 😭😭).

There's no ideal marriage, ideal man or ideal child, however if motherhood and wife comes to me in God's plan, I would honestly would like to be physically and emotionally present for the people that are depending on me. 

I see myself lying low in my medical practice for the first 2 years and take this housewife role seriously. Making sure the house is spotless, the ref filled with food, and the kids bonded to me (no tv and ipads for you buddy). Seeing to myself my hubby has something to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner daily, which reminds me to start learning how to cook, and just recently someone suggested for me to bake (seriously? I can't even make a perfect egg hahaha).

I desire and pray for a quiet and simple married life, minus all the hustle and bustle of this residency life I am currently living in. This is why I am fighting my hardest, all shitty urges (lolll) not to fall short of any of my expectations on that blissful married future.

But, if motherhood is not for me. You bet your ass too that I'll strive to be the best pediatrician this country has ever seen. Go into fellowship (Pediatric Intensive Care, you are the dream) and further studies abroad mastering in medical journalism and medical health and business management (Wharton school babyyyyy, ADMU can do if I can't afford it, no offense) 

It all boils down if I meet an awesome guy who could honestly pin me down. Someone who is consistent with his words and actions, someone who is motivated and ambitious like me and someone who can set aside those things and make me and the family a priority, and of course someone who is fucking loyal and pls dont you dare be a womanizer (huhuhu. Layo niyo sila sa akin).

Simple things would do. This guy doesn't have to be rich. Material things don't really impress me. But someone who makes me laugh so fucking hard that I fall off the chair by doing so. And someone who would just laugh with me like those childhood days, watching old tagalog films with my yaya while I wait for my mom and dad at work (provided they do remember they have a child, lol #hanash). Laughing on the fact that Kris Aquino was professional enough to kiss someone like Rene Requiestas in Pido Dida (my God classic. Mom hates Yaya for bestowing jejemon in me. Hahaha. Oh well, yaya you still are the best). Pero Kris, how cannnn yoooooo. Hahaha (disclaimer: no offense ifever).

This reminds me on where to stream those films. I hope my brother's company can acquire these films. Win win for anyone who wants to fucking laugh. Comedy movies back in the old days were just simply classic. 

Anyways going back, I don't really know where my life is headed. But if this motherhood is really for me (best in the confines of marriage. Lola will killll meee), I wanna be there for the child and watch him or her grow up.

Oh my, I am growing up. These realizationssssss are 😭😭 But before that, a suitable mate, preferably someone who believes in old school courting (uso pa ba ang harana? the gate at home won't reach my window tho so Lola's place will do. Be in barong pls. Hahahaha) because I'll always be that conservative, religious, uptight child my mother raised me (altho at rebel stage, hahaha).

Oh what the heck. Enrolled in a gym membership and by far, it's expensive. So until then, Keeping up with the Kardashians and Revenge Body with Khloe, pls do keep me company in this lonely life called residency. 

One big sigh.

Hayyyyy

(Lord, whereeeee isssssss heeeeeeee) 

MORNING DEPRESSION

Getting out of bed seems like a chore these days. Everyday is a quitting day.

If I only knew that residency training was this hard, I would have stayed in boracay as a resort doctor and took the job in Shangrila Boracay when they were hiring me and stayed in the island inevitably (lest sinusundo ako ng may kasamang militar, lol)

God, why why why why

You know my heart longs for adventure. 

The adrenaline rush, the heart pumping thrill of the chase of the high, the Vietnam war action and the satisfaction of the wild outdoors are the things I crave. 

Now I sit here in a lonely desk, waiting for patients, mothers complaining of cough and fever of fucking days duration, when I could be out there in the field, suturing diving wounds or talking to foreigners and them telling me how the world is (I so misss you Lee and company, I do hope to go to Australia. I so miss you Jessica and company, I hope I do backpack Europe like you guys said I should). But a year more of taunting, agonizing BOREDOM, that is the terminology used.

And oh, you must know. 

I take professionalism and work ethics to the highest core. 

I dont date my patients or any friends and relatives associated with. 

So no, it will always be a no (lol. No matter how hot you are 😭😭)

This picture shows me in Boracay, working as the doctor of the island, going door to door if called. Here I am out for a febrile child from India. I hate my hair. And oh, threw this scrub suit since they thought I was gonna do a massage by the beach (fffff yoooo, don't you seeee the whiteee coatttt). Fun days. Fun days. 

BEST OF BOTH WORLDS

This is how we do it.

You will always be my mentor, idol and crush. Your brillance and how you talkkkk mannnn I get honestly swept away. 

Maybe this is how we do both worlds. 

Wish me luck. 

Get ready for me CNN Philippines!

This is why we need to graduate sooon!! 

LIFE

Lately I've been really thinking of life in general and how it has come to be, this.

I have no qualms. I did end up as a doctor. 

But, in this retrospective outlook in the spirit of Christmas, I must say... I've remembered a place where I wanted to take up something else.

I remember the 12 year old kid who used to write a lot, active in the school paper, wanting to be more socially involved and being out there. Then the next year, I remember being so passionate with public speaking and dreaming of becoming a newscaster or a documentary journalist. 

Funny how 10 years later, I tell that kid that I have an M.D. across my name and probably forgotten how to write (hence the very existence of this blog site). "Wala daw pera" sa pagsusulat. How's writing gonna pay the bills, they all used to say.

Sad, I wasn't courageous enough to go exactly for what I really wanted in life.

But then, I realized lately its not the end. I'm blessed that I am a doctor. But sometimes the problems at the hospital, the intricates of life and death robs you out of your very existence that it burns you out. 

This is why we need hobbies. And maybe so, writing won't pay the bills.. But it will definitely get my mind sane in paying my monthly facial and revlite (dont forget my every 3 months hair color, I am so addicted to).

I think I wanna go after my passions.

I think I can do both.

And I think, I will just need to bear my last year of pediatric residency in order to finally be free and do what I was meant to do... Live.

And you bet your ass there's gonna be fucking side comments climbing that hill, making both worlds meet. But this time, it's silent treatment for you. I refuse to be a coward from now on, even if it means living in the state of poverty (oh em geeeeeeee, my soft hands weren't build for labor, hahaha) 😭😭

VANITY

Can't believe my hair is this long.

Been spending so much on skin care and salons. Ughhhhhh. 

Need to stand on my own feet (can't I just ask allowance for the rest of my life, residency training stilllll feels likeee fucking schooooooooooolllllllll tho. Huhuhu) 

Goodbye perm. Looks like I would have to earn you.  😭

ADULTING 101

Dear Self,

I honestly think we should do this adulting soon. We arent getting younger (lol) and although I blame people (ahem) for making me a fucking entitled bitch when I am fucking angry (lol), one way or the other we need to rely on ourselves.

One thing I need to do is to transport my daily ass to work daily. Fucking grab fare is damn expensive which reminds me to invest in car loan. WE NEED TO START DRIVING. 

Or lest, make the tricycle our daily means of transpo. Remind me to hang my coat at the quarters when that day starts. 

I have to do this for myself. Need to stop going back to the comfort life, it honestly has loop holesssss (there's no such thing as a free lunch). Need to stop being dictated on what to do and where my life should be heading (what if the bed? Sleep all day? Lol) 

Need to own my life (wherever that leads us) and be the person I was meant to be  (whatever that means. What if I would like to stop being a doctor and be a youtube star? Wtf is my vlog content. My life ain't that exciting. Wtf. Hahaha. World war nth time with the father) 

Oh Lord, I am so not a morning person. People wake me up to go to schoooll, i mean work. 

Oh well. Adulting it is. Wish me luck (so this means no more facials, diamond peel, gel polish, eyelash lift and eyebrow embroidery huhuhuhu). Goodbye sweet and easy life. 😭

LEISURE OVER

Hard to insert intravenous canula to crying kiddos with you on since it's duty season again. Huhuhuhu.

When will I ever get to grow my nails again? Will miss you gorgeous tips 😭

WELL SAID

"I truly believe that having someone to share myself with romantically is a beautiful thing and it can bring a lot of happiness to my life. But I simply trust my gut when it comes to getting to know someone new, and I am very selective about who I spend my time with. I want to be with someone who I have a positive connection with, rather than settling for a warm body next to me."

DEAR SELF

To you my dear self, let me remember daily why I'm doing this. Why nga ba? Hahaha.

Everyday is a drag day. Someone remind me why I want to be a Pediatrician. Residency training is HUHUHUHU. 

More on this after this 72 hours duty.

Meanwhile, taking advantage of movie marathon and series while no patients to bother you. Lord, huwag na po sila dumaan sa emergency room. 

Gulp

THE RESIDENT

It's finally October. What a hell month, that September was. It was such a test of character, values and strength.

I don't know if it was a good call that we alerted mothers to be wary about fever. Thus, all kids who just had fever especially if its just hours prior seen by a physician is warranted to be valid.

It was such a test of patience also.

Oh September. You made my zit flare up. Hopefully, October can be at least kinder since we are down to the last 2 residents of FDMMC.

Hopefully, we can still revive the legacy of this institution. And, maybe prayers can be our last resort to this scarcity.

Oh yes. Remind me to pray. You really did some soul searching in me, month of September. Hopefully in time, God can find me.

THE LIL HOSPITAL IN BANAWE

It's a long story on how I ended up here. Maybe when I'm ready, I can narrate the hows and turns. All I know is that I miss my old hospital terribly.

I took my first year of residency at Makati Medical Center. And, I miss them so badly.

Sadly, I had to come home due to personal reasons (I hate you Father. @!#&^)

But, I'll be back soon.

Making the most of my training, being a nurse, clerk, intern and runner on most parts. So happy they took me in as a lateral 2nd year pediatric resident.

I'll die if I had to go through first year again.

DYING.


Sigh.


God give me patience.
Hayy

LONELINESS

There's this saying in residency that the hours of duty are long but the days are short. Before you know it, fuck... you're duty again.

EVERY THREE DAYS.

This brings me to the part where all of a sudden you come to a realization that loneliness will always remain a big chunk of your residency life.

Friends and family will just pass you by, while you on the other hand, stuck at the hospital.

EVERY DAY (lest for SKELETAL DUTIES. Hurray holidays and weekend offs).



This then reminded me that early this year, when I least expected it... someone came and filled my lonely life with a whirlwind romance. I honestly thought I would never feel that way again since my last relationship was 5 years ago.

But due to indecisiveness and constant overthinking, we both realized, it wasn't time.


I can't even bring myself to a decent sleep every night (I always find myself sleeping on the couch after binging on netflix because for crying out loud, I need to watch a movie after 36 hours straight of hospital duties).


But....

What surprised me, how that person made me feel. It was magic.

I never felt that feeling with my previous relationships.


Then again, we both have our differences and I guess in God's time, if we are really meant to be, our paths will cross again.


I believe that what's meant for you will always come back when you least expect it.


I just hope when it comes back around, I won't be bombarded with case conferences, research proposals, clinical abstracts and piles of OPD charts waiting to be filled.


I want to be hands-on to this person, give the love he deserves when all the fucked up training is finally done and I can sleep all day long without alarming daily at 5am.


So until then...

Hey loneliness... keep me company.



xoxo

SLEEPLESS NIGHTS AT PICU

Patient A, please dont have a cardiac arrest or septic shock tonight.

I'm at the other room, lying down, on stand by in either ways. grrrr


* h you!

DUTY BLUES

It's 10:30PM, I'm at the emergency room... waiting for the results of this kid's pee. Thinking of getting the hell out of here, yet 12 noon of the folllwing day, seems so long.

FUCK THIS. What the f am I doing in my life.

Reminds me of the good old days when I was dreaming of a life ahead of me.

I always wanted to be an investigative journalist. The fucking thrill and chase of going outdoors, meeting people of different culture and religions... that was the DREAM.

But then, Pisay came and destroyed the dream, led me places I never saw myself in.

Fast track, 9 years from now... here I am, still sitting for that GADDAM PEE. Hey kid, hurry up would you, I wanna sleep tonight.

Hahaha. Some Pediatrician.

Well, at some point in your life... you begin to lose empathy and compassion.


So its true... residency is a test of character.


Sometimes, we need a lil bit of push to make us see once more the bigger picture from a lil kid's pee.


xoxo

EXACTLY 2 YEARS AGO

It's 2019! Can't believe that I have stopped writing since.

Well, just for an update.. I am currently on my 2nd year of residency training in Pediatrics.
God knows how much I am dying.

Need an outlet, hence decided to revive this blogsite.


I honestly don't know who reads this, but if you are... I just want to let you know how much it's difficult becoming a doctor.

Let my insights on residency inspire you.


Thank you for silently reading and giving me hope that my existence in life means something!


xoxo