This reminded me on some flashbacks and then I asked myself if I can bear a child into this world and let other people take care of him or her while I'm out there chasing my dreams. 

At some point, I was willing to but then again, I had to hold back just because I realized that I want to be a hands-on parent someday. Not just to my kid but to my husband (yes, in all honesty I do want marriage if it's meant for me. Can't have a kid out of wedlock. 🤞🤞).

Watched Marriage story on Netflix the other day. Thank God I'm not in any mess and complications near that. But I do applaud people who go through that emotional stress and come out unscathed. I think I would have emotionally broken down if it were me, catching my husband cheating on me (Lorddddd, all I ask in return for all of the stress and fucked up you made me go through is a blissful marriage and a faithful mate. Huhuhu. Pls 😭😭).

There's no ideal marriage, ideal man or ideal child, however if motherhood and wife comes to me in God's plan, I would honestly would like to be physically and emotionally present for the people that are depending on me. 

I see myself lying low in my medical practice for the first 2 years and take this housewife role seriously. Making sure the house is spotless, the ref filled with food, and the kids bonded to me (no tv and ipads for you buddy). Seeing to myself my hubby has something to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner daily, which reminds me to start learning how to cook, and just recently someone suggested for me to bake (seriously? I can't even make a perfect egg hahaha).

I desire and pray for a quiet and simple married life, minus all the hustle and bustle of this residency life I am currently living in. This is why I am fighting my hardest, all shitty urges (lolll) not to fall short of any of my expectations on that blissful married future.

But, if motherhood is not for me. You bet your ass too that I'll strive to be the best pediatrician this country has ever seen. Go into fellowship (Pediatric Intensive Care, you are the dream) and further studies abroad mastering in medical journalism and medical health and business management (Wharton school babyyyyy, ADMU can do if I can't afford it, no offense) 

It all boils down if I meet an awesome guy who could honestly pin me down. Someone who is consistent with his words and actions, someone who is motivated and ambitious like me and someone who can set aside those things and make me and the family a priority, and of course someone who is fucking loyal and pls dont you dare be a womanizer (huhuhu. Layo niyo sila sa akin).

Simple things would do. This guy doesn't have to be rich. Material things don't really impress me. But someone who makes me laugh so fucking hard that I fall off the chair by doing so. And someone who would just laugh with me like those childhood days, watching old tagalog films with my yaya while I wait for my mom and dad at work (provided they do remember they have a child, lol #hanash). Laughing on the fact that Kris Aquino was professional enough to kiss someone like Rene Requiestas in Pido Dida (my God classic. Mom hates Yaya for bestowing jejemon in me. Hahaha. Oh well, yaya you still are the best). Pero Kris, how cannnn yoooooo. Hahaha (disclaimer: no offense ifever).

This reminds me on where to stream those films. I hope my brother's company can acquire these films. Win win for anyone who wants to fucking laugh. Comedy movies back in the old days were just simply classic. 

Anyways going back, I don't really know where my life is headed. But if this motherhood is really for me (best in the confines of marriage. Lola will killll meee), I wanna be there for the child and watch him or her grow up.

Oh my, I am growing up. These realizationssssss are 😭😭 But before that, a suitable mate, preferably someone who believes in old school courting (uso pa ba ang harana? the gate at home won't reach my window tho so Lola's place will do. Be in barong pls. Hahahaha) because I'll always be that conservative, religious, uptight child my mother raised me (altho at rebel stage, hahaha).

Oh what the heck. Enrolled in a gym membership and by far, it's expensive. So until then, Keeping up with the Kardashians and Revenge Body with Khloe, pls do keep me company in this lonely life called residency. 

One big sigh.

Hayyyyy

(Lord, whereeeee isssssss heeeeeeee)