Ever since I could remember, I wanted to write for a living. I eat and breathe literature. But then, things turned differently when I passed the most prestigious high school (so they say), the Philippine Science High School, Main Campus. My parents did not force me (in fairness to my dad and my mom, they respected my decision just in any case), the circumstances forced me. Life was not always a silver spoon for my family. We had our ups and downs. That moment when I saw my mother cry because her head was spinning where to get the means to provide for her children was my turning point. I gave up my dream and signed that f* up contract to have a science course 4 years from that day, May of 2001. Having finished it on October 2009, after graduating from UP Diliman B.S. Biology made me feel accomplished; however another opportunity was knocking on the door--medical school.

Life was not easy. No one has it smoothly. When life throws you a ball, you throw it back. Why? Because you just got to. Nothing else to say. No more excuses. No words left. You just have to.

Easy as that. I gave up writing. I also lost the eloquence of my words through the years. Writer's drought as they call it. But bit by bit, I found my words by coming to terms with myself and I was able to live out with the decisions I've made.

Medical school was hard. If you only knew the shit I've been through, you might be shocked. And now, I have to write a reflection paper for my ENT rotation that I decided to write again after how many years (not because I want, but because it's required. hahaha. Irony, huh?). So let me begin by saying that for the longest time that I have been mute, I have done nothing but listen. Like our patient G, who had laryngeal SCCA who we operated on and cannot speak. Not because she can't but because anatomically, she couldn't.

I have been quiet and silent for a long time, not because I am afraid. It's because arguing, debating and discussing things won't bring back the past. So why waste the energy? Just go with the flow. Life gave me a task, then so be it. Easy said than done (You just don't know the pain. It is real). So what did I reflected on while I was on my ENT rotation so they ask? Everything. My life.

ENT is short for Ears, Nose and Throat. The basic parts of the human body where if you don't listen, you may fuck up your life (remind me to clean this out before handling it to the department, hahaha), smell (marunong ako maka-amoy, I am not stupid, asshole. hehe) and eat (the basic to survive life). I have witness a life where take out all of these basic senses and what quality of life do you have? Half-empty. Half-full. This is what I saw in my grandfather, Captain Felix P. Agoncillo.

Lolo Felix had laryngeal SCCA and had laryngectomy. I was only around 7 to 10 years old since I last heard his voice and all I can remember is him, shouting. I saw his struggle with his illness. I saw how hard it was for him. I saw how stubborn he was with all the medications. If only, the suction machine was invented at that time then maybe it wasn't that hard for him. But technology wasn't with us nor medical advances were made available to him at that time, so pity my poor grandfather... living the remaining of his life unable to cradle his grandchildren and children and unable to pass on the wisdom of his life through the eloquence of his own voice. If he only had a good handwriting, then maybe we could have communicated better. If only facebook was invented and the S-note was at hand for him, but no.. Like I said, life was unfair to him.

I saw my grandfather, a survivor of laryngeal SCCA, S/P laryngectomy (1990s) live his life. He would often be seen looking at his window and stare at the distance. Sometimes I wonder what he was thinking, sometimes I wanted to talk to him but he was also lazy to write. So we just sat there in silence in the hope that our hearts would know the pain, that utter miserable pain that lingers on inside of you, eating you inside out. Then he died. Without saying his amends to the world, without able to say goodbye, without anything else to impart on to those he left behind (because he had a hard time writing during his final moments in SLMC ICU). I saw his eyes. Eyes indeed are the windows to the soul. And I knew, he knew how much I loved him and how he loved me.

So yes, it was my another turning point why I wanted to go to medical school. I wanted to meet a patient like my grandfather's case and see to myself that he or she will have a better quality of life. I wanted to be part of the team who would make advances in science and medical technology so that cancer patients like him would have a better life, the aftermath. And I thank the UERMMCI Otorhinolaryngology (ENT) department for the opportunity to have finally meet Patient G. I finally came at peace with myself after seeing that patients like my grandfather would have better patient care.

I don't know where life would throw me this time after medical school. I don't know if I would specialize in ENT but I am happy enough to say that learning the basics have made me become a better general physician after graduation. And for that Sir/Maam, thank you.

You made me write a reflection paper, so I reflected on everything without holding back. Our patients may not have the ability to talk but that doesn't mean they cannot hear. So for people like me who can, I now refuse to be mute. Thank you for allowing me to find my voice in our patients who can't. Being inspired by our patients so that we can be better physicians--be better individuals is that irreplaceable accomplishment, monetary value can never define. Thank you because now I know I was destined to be a doctor.

So now I sail with this new found passion but this time I wouldn't dull my spirit. Who says you have to put down your pen to cradle the needs of our patients? I can do both. Watch me. Oh definitely, watch.